I reached for my phone as soon as I heard it beeped and found a couple of very long messages I wasn’t expecting to receive at that time of the night. I went through all of it and ended up hugging my pillow and sobbing my hardest. It was a loud cry of pain that I was actually holding unto the sheets of my bed grasping it to release the tension of sorrow. I was preparing for this moment for a whole month now but still, it was undeniably painful that I felt my body shake in grief. But the pain I felt that exact moment was different from the innumerable pain cases I had before. It was more like an anticipated kind of pain- something I was unconsciously waiting for and it was surprisingly bearable. I was already sobbing for a good couple of minutes when I realized the pain fade a little. I ran out of tears though I don’t really know if that was even possible. The tears just stopped and I had that assurance that everything ended there- the kind of ending that won’t have a sequel anymore. It was excruciatingly painful that I knew the end is the end. I knew that moment that my heart learned to eventually let go and freeing him was still painful but it made me feel a lot better. Pain was still there but it doesn’t consume me anymore. It was actually more of pity, freedom and happiness that I feel. Pity for this tragic love story; pity for some guy who loved me right enough but ended up entangled in some life he can’t go out from anymore; Pity for someone I loved so much who has to choose to let go and to not think of me anymore so he can choose to think of his family; Pity for myself for being in love with a guy I can’t have anymore; Pity for myself for being entangled in a love story with a man I knew I shouldn’t be with- a marine; Pity for desperately believing we had a chance; Pity for the both of us who both decided to let go disregarding the love that is still there. His message, I felt how true it was, it was a realization of what we both can’t have anymore, there was pain, self-pity, love and tragedy. Freedom that no strings are attached to anyone of us anymore; freedom that I can eventually start freeing his space in my heart to make room for some other people who tries their hardest to make it to it; freedom that he might actually find his life easier now that I’m off; freedom for him to do what he needs to do for himself and his family; freedom from all the pain. Happiness for eventually letting go of what I cannot claim to be mine anymore; happiness for learning to accept and to free people if it will lead them to better paths in life. I am not happy because we decided to let go, I still want him and I still love him and it’s painful but I am happy for doing what is right. His words were clear, ‘it has been a wonderful rollercoaster ride with you at wala na akong iba pang gustong makasama dun, pero kailangan na nating bumaba’. My love story with him was the best. I had my firsts with him. And this love story might have already ended this bad but there isn’t an ounce of regret I have in getting into this relationship with this man. We were the happiest in each other’s company at least at the length of the story of our love but we both have to sacrifice and end it all. It’s time he finds doing his responsibilities easier now; it’s time he choose his family over me; it’s time we both let go. In the future, I sincerely hope he finds someone to take care of him like I wanted to. I hope he finds a girl who does the things I can’t. I hope he be happy in the endeavor he chose and in the life he’ll have. I know it now, I understand now what it meant when they said ‘love is when someone’s happiness is your happiness’. I now know love and I am happy to have learned the painful side of love, the sweet side, and its sacrificial side with him. I know now what sacrifice was. It isn’t being happy in losing, it is in being hurt in losing but still choosing it, wanting it. Love was sacrifice. I love him and it’s time we both go back to our own lives and forget. This is the last piece I’d be writing for him. I don’t know how long it will take to forget, but I will. I will forget every pinnacle of him but not how I felt with him. I am hoping one day, I’d wake up feeling all this but not remembering where I learned all of these, not remembering how I got this brave. First love never dies; it might forget but never will it die. One day I’d tell my children about how beautiful and tragic my first love was or how it was like those in the movies maybe Titanic or The Notebook. One day I’d tell them how there’s this love that won’t ever go away. One day I’d tell them and maybe they won’t wish for the love stories in movies. One day I’d tell them because I want to share with the greatest treasures I have, one of the greatest parts of my youth and of my heart. One day there won’t be pain anymore, I will be telling this story with a smile on my face-an unconscious smile that meant to show a heart that’s always full of love and hope.
Sorry kung naging makasarili ako. Mahal kita.
What is on my tumblr stays on tumblr.
“Nothing on this planet can compare with a woman’s love—it is kind and compassionate, patient and nurturing, generous and sweet and unconditional. Pure. If you are her man, she will walk on water and through a mountain for you, too, no matter how you’ve acted out, no matter what crazy thing you’ve done, no matter the time or demand. If you are her man, she will talk to you until there just aren’t any more words left to say, encourage you when you’re at rock bottom and think there just isn’t any way out, hold you in her arms when you’re sick, and laugh with you when you’re up. And if you’re her man and that woman loves you—I mean really loves you?—she will shine you up when you’re dusty, encourage you when you’re down, defend you even when she’s not so sure you were right, and hang on your every word, even when you’re not saying anything worth listening to. And no matter what you do, no matter how many times her friends say you’re no good, no matter how many times you slam the door on the relationship, she will give you her very best and then some, and keep right on trying to win over your heart, even when you act like everything she’s done to convince you she’s The One just isn’t good enough.
That’s a woman’s love—it stands the test of time, logic, and all circumstance.
Well, I’m here to tell you that expecting that kind of love— that perfection—from a man is unrealistic. That’s right, I said it—it’s not gonna happen, no way, no how. Because a man’s
love isn’t like a woman’s love.”
So tama bang mag go with the flow nlng ako? Nttkot tlga ko.